The Adventures of Spiffiness and Spork
by Lt. Spork
Summary: What happens when Quatre and Heero are kidnapped and their bodies switched with those of evin emoticons? Mayhem and Chaos of course! A fic co-authored by Landlady of the Universe and Marika Webster...
1. Default Chapter

A/N We sort of started writing this... and it got a little out of hand... enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer: We don't own GW or the G-Boys... but Landlady came up with Spork and Spiffiness, and Heeaveng Basuums and Louvre Butons were mine... so sad when the muses get out of hand... ne? ::stuffs J0rge, B0b, and S0x into the dishwasher and sets it as high as it will go::  
  
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The Adventures of Spiffiness and Spork, the Internet Emoticons  
  
By Landlady of the Universe and Marika Webster  
  
Chapter 1  
  
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"The target is in sight, Captain." Lt. Spork wiped a bead of perspiration from his large pink forehead. His captain, the greatest and most vile in all the Emoticon Army waddled over unsteadily to stand behind him. Spork glanced into the rearview mirror attached to his console and wrinkles his nose in distaste. "Might I say Captain Spiffiness, that you are looking especially egregious today."  
  
"Why thank you Lt. Spork," Captain Spiffiness replied. "On screen." The evil Emoticon gasped at the huge blue ball that appeared before him. Actually, it did a very good impression of his fourth wife.  
  
"It's beautiful! Truly a gem for Emperor Icon... he'll be so pleased when we deliver such a foul planet into the hands of the Empire." The Captain rubbed a greasy white-gloved hand over his Lieutenant's pink, rounded head. "Well done!" He threw a leer over his shoulder to his token female crew. "Heeaveng Basuums! Lay in a course, take us within downloading range."  
  
"Sir!" the especially round pilot saluted, as she dragged the arrow over the 'take the ship to downloading range' icon, and clicked. With a violent lurch, the ship started forward. Heeaveng Basuums scratched a pointed purple ear, somehow that didn't seem right. She looked up, then, and found that the captain was rolling on the floor in a vain attempt to get up. Lt. Spork sighed and grabbed the captain's collar and heaved him upright ... just as the ship lurched to a stop. "We're now in downloading range sir," Heeaveng announced.  
  
Louvre Butons adjusted her thong, making certain the lacy black material was tucked snugly between her two massive butt-cheeks and stepped onto the bridge. "Captain Spiffiness, We've located two target humans within the Eastern Hemisphere that appear to be prime candidates for the procedure." She scratched her ass lazily, one blue eye twitching in pleasure.  
  
Captain Spiffyness turned towards the new arrival, just as she turned away from him. His slug-like slimy tongue darted out to lick his lips as he got an eyeful. "I'm sure you've got all the preparations ... umm, prepared." He loosened his collar with one hand, eyes never leaving the gargantuan ass, and poked Spork in the shoulder, who was likewise entranced. "Go fix the AC."  
  
Lt. Spork sighed heavily. "Dammit Captain, I'm an engineer, not a plumber. Besides you..." He immediately faltered beneath the evil arched brows of his superior officer. "Yes, Captain." He shuffled from the bridge, dragging his white booted stubs of feet.  
  
Heeaveng nodded her agreement with her fellow crewmate. "Captain, I've let Medical know to have the anal probes prepared.  
  
~~**~~**~~**~~**~~  
  
Quatre sighed happily. "Isn't he just the grooviest?"  
  
"The... grooviest?" Heero grimaced. "Where did you hear that word?"  
  
"Oh, I found your tapes of 'The Brady Bunch'." Quatre's eyes never left Trowa's form. "He's such a hunk." A rivulet of drool seeped unnoticed from the corner of his mouth.  
  
Heero followed Quatre's gaze with some trepidation. He ended up with a rather clear view of Trowa's rear end. 'Hmm, you know, I never noticed before, but Trowa's butt is the same width as his head.' Shifting his gaze a little to the right after that rather disturbing observation, Heero was rewarded with ... another rear end. He smirked, 'Duo on the other hand, has a rather nice ass.'  
  
A contented sigh emitted from the small blonde beside him. Heero pushed himself up on his elbows, sparing a glance to the now-dozing pilot. 'Hmm... Quatre's butt isn't so bad either... I wonder...' Before he could finish his thought, a sudden flash of light followed by a blinding pain overtook him.  
  
He was surrounded by a blinding white light, only vaguely aware of the blond beside him. Floating, beside him, to be precise. And amazingly enough, Quatre was still asleep. 'That boy could sleep through El Nino. How did he ever get to be a Gundam pilot anyway?' As that thought passed through his mind, Heero looked down ... and down ...and down. Without even realizing it, they had rose almost fifty feet in the air. And Heero didn't like heights. But before he could panic, everything went black.  
  
The light subsided, though Heero didn't know when. He was aware, distantly that something hurt. It was when he tried to move that he realized... it was his ass. He bit back a moan of pain and stared into the darkness. "Quatre? You awake?"  
  
A groan answered him, along with "Trowa, you didn't have to be so rough last night." Heero's eyes widened, and he didn't dare roll over to get a look at the little Arabian. 'We didn't, did we? Oh shit.' He raised a hand to wipe at his face, a white hand. No, wait that was a glove, but since when did he wear gloves. Heero didn't have time to ponder, however, as Quatre chose that moment to wake up properly. "Heero!"  
  
Heero shuddered inwardly as he became more aware of his body... it wasn't his body... no... it couldn't be. His eyes adjusted to the darkness and he could see it even better. His body was now a mass of Yellow sweaty... something. He peered to where Quatre's voice had come from. It was then that a shrill shriek filled the air. "I'm...I'm... PIIIIIINK!"  
  
The boy's voce was at least an octave higher than usual. "I thought you liked pink," Heero replied mildly. But pink was an understatement. Quatre's was PINK. A hideous puke pink, his eyes were rimmed in red, with dark circles under them. And almost worst of all, he had neon green eyebrows. Heero was very glad that there wasn't a mirror around because the look in those eyes was getting more murderous by the second.  
  
"I like it in flowers and shirts... but not on my body..." Those eyes, mirroring the expression Heero had only seen when the other boy was messed up on the Zero system faded slightly, tears brimming in them. Instantly the tears were replaced by an expression of open terror as they both heard it.  
  
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrooooooo?"  
  
The boy in question bolted ... or at least tried to. In his new blubbery form, Heero had a considerably hard time even getting up. As he and Quatre rolled about on the floor in a vain attempt to rise, the source of the screech -err, voice- appeared in the doorway. Quatre and Heero looked up at the same time, and screamed in two-part harmony.  
  
The lights flickered on revealing a pair of newcomers. The... blobs were obviously the feminine version of the... blobs he and Quatre occupied. The smaller of the two was the same shade of brilliant sunshine yellow as Heero, a too-large heart strategically placed over rippling masses of flesh. Big blue eyes brimmed over with tears as the woman launched herself at the pink form on the floor, embracing Quatre with all the flair of an Olympic diver performing a belly flop. Heero winced at the sound of flesh hitting flesh, pitying his friend while inwardly thankful that Relena had made an awful mistake.  
  
The other blob looked on passively. She was purple, but that was as far as the pleasant aspect of her appearance went. Pointed black ears matched with eyebrows that seemed permanently in the angry position. Eyebrows, Heero noted, that oddly reminded him of Dorothy. Her mouth was drawn into a sadistic smile that Heero soon found out the reason for. "I believe you have the wrong Heero, Miss Relena." It was Dorothy.  
  
The pile of pure yellow raunchiness detached herself from Quatre and immediately latched on to the right Heero. The Japanese blob scowled dangerously, focusing the glare'o'death on Dorothy. "Omae o korosu!"  
  
The obese purple beast merely sniffed. "While you two are enjoying you're little love fest, I thought you might want to know... I found out what's going on here." She leveled her spiky gaze at Quatre. "I'll tell you... for a price."  
  
Quatre whimpered as he caught on to the deeper meaning of that statement. He shot a pleading look at Heero, who shot an equally pleading one at him. It looked like they weren't in much of a situation to bargain. Quatre gulped, "What do you want?"  
  
"I wanna know what colors pink and purple make when they're mixed together." Dorothy lumbered closer, running her hands suggestively along a mammoth thigh, she paused to tug at the black scrap of lace that left nothing to the imagination. The blinding purple behemoth licked her lips lasciviously. "Trix are for kids..."  
  
Quatre backed up slowly as Dorothy advanced. Suprisingly, he was saved by Relena. "Gross Dorothy, we don't want to watch, get a room." Quatre sighed, so much for saved. Heero eeped as Relena tightened her flabby arms around his neck, or rather, where his neck would have been, if he had one. "Besides, Heero and I want some quality time together." Heero didn't panic, but when Quatre looked, he realized why. The boy was turning blue from lack of air.  
  
Quatre bounded... or tried to, to his feet. A full two minutes later he was upright. An indignant tone to his voice as he stomped his foot. "Dorothy! I hate you! And Relena! Heero hates you! Let him go."  
  
Relena gazed up at Quatre, perturbed by the normally placid boy's demeanor. "My hee-chan loves me."  
  
Quatre rolled his eyes. "RELENA! Get your hands off my boyfriend. NOW BITCH!"  
  
If it was even possible, Heero was even more surprised than Relena. But the important part was that his airflow was almost immediately returned. Taking deep gasps of air, Heero sat back to survey the damage caused by Quatre's uncharacteristic outburst. Relena was rocking and humming in between bouts of "Hee-chan loves me."  
  
Dorothy was grinning that sadistic grin, but Heero was seriously beginning to doubt that she was capable of anything else.  
  
Relena stopped rocking suddenly, and turned to the Perfect Soldier. "Oh Heero. Won't you kill me, please?" she said with a confident smile.  
  
Heero snapped. "YES!" He was startled when her smile turned downright serene. He glanced to Quatre. Quatre nodded emphatically and handed him something he'd obviously found nearby. An oversized straightpin. Heero accepted it with a sudden grin. "Relena." He struggled to keep the glee from his voice. "This is going to hurt you waaaay more than it hurts me... and you know what else?"  
  
He paused and glanced sideways at Quatre, then went on. Desperate times called for desperate measures. "After I kill you, I'm gonna tie Dorothy down and make her watch as I fuck Quatre so hard his little pink head will spin." With that he brought the straightpin down directly into her head.  
  
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End Chapter 1  
  
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	2. Chapter 2

A/N Here's chappy 2!  And once again, we have no idea what's going on!

Chapter 2 or The Cat Who Ate My Underwear

"No!!" Relena's scream was cut short by a loud, indelicate pop. Heero glanced at Quatre, who grinned a bit too happily. 

Dorothy's eyes widened in horror. "Miss Relena!"

The purple blob's eyes rolled back in her head and she toppled over into a huge glob of fat.  Heero and Quatre exchanged glances.  "Is she dead?"

Heero shrugged, "I don't know?  Why don't you go see?"

"You go."

"No you."

Quatre shuddered at the thought of going anywhere remotely near Dorothy while she was alive.  So he 'accidentally' pushed the other boy toward the purple mound.  "Thanks Heero!"

Heero growled, vowing retribution from his pink companion. He nudged at the fallen form. Nothing. He glanced to Quatre who waved white-gloved hands. "Harder Heero! She couldn't feel that if she were alive." Heero sighed and raised his leg, delivering a mighty kick to the gut of the fallen... woman.

The purple blob twitched, and Heero jumped back, opting instead to poke at her with the blunt end of the pin he still held.  Finally, he got a real response … sort of.  Dorothy rolled over with the obvious intent of getting up.  However the only thing she accomplished was doing a fairly good impression of a rocking horse.  When she glared at the two pilots, Heero smirked.  "I'd say that this is as good a time as any to keep that promise, what do you think Quatre?"  
Quatre grinned, an incredibly wicked grin for a supposed angel.

He sidled closer to Heero and rubbed the top of that blindingly yellow head. "Oh yessss...." 

"GAAAHHHHHH!" Dorothy gurgled miserably, rocking harder. Ominous squeaking was heard from deep within the bowels of the ship in time to her frenzied maneuvering.

Heero licked his lips. "You keep rocking Dorothy, it sets a good rhythm."

She shrieked in frustration.  "You leave my Quatre alone!" came the yell as she tried, in vain, to get up so she could knock the crap out of the yellow blob.

Quatre looked over at her from where he was rubbing up against Heero sensuously.  "No need to yell," he said calmly, "it's not like he's raping me or anything."

"Besides," Heero purred, "You're just jealous."

"I have nothing to be jealous of..." Dorothy collapsed into sobs; she was a broken icon after all. "My Quatre loves me..." Rivers of black mascara painted lines like war paint on her shockingly hideous face. 

Quatre snorted then, his hand straying towards Heero's trousers. "Please stop speaking now, Dorothy, you're ruining my moment."

Heero heard it then, the loud moan throughout the ship. He caught Quatre's hand. "What was that?"

Quatre shrugged, "I don't know.  Maybe it's an evil alien being that has come to suck out our marrow … maybe."

Heero rolled his eyes, half in pleasure and half in exasperation.  "Maybe Quatre."

Quatre smiled happily as he continued his avid explorations of Heero's new body.  Until the ship protested again, loudly.  Before anyone realized what had happened, the wall behind Dorothy exploded outward with a huge roar.  Dorothy screamed as she was lifted into the air in the jaws of what appeared to be a giant less than sign.

Neither icon had time to move as they watched the less than sign devour Dorothy. Rivulets of purple blood spilled over the sides of its mouth, dripping onto the floor. Quatre winced, cowering behind Heero, as the less than sign stopped. It's bloodied jaws swallowed and grinned. Quatre heard a whine, then realized it was him. "Don't eat me, please don't eat me. I'm too young to die."

~~**~~**~~**~~

"Captain Spiffiness, wake up!"

The former emoticon blinked sleepily, bringing a blond, blue-eyed face into view.  He screamed, and began backing away before he realized that he could get up without any help.  He looked up in wonder at the girl whose face was scrunched up in confusion.

"You scream like a girl Captain," came Lieutenant Spork's voice from a blond boy beside him.

"Spork? Is that you?" The Captain glanced down at himself after he righted his new body. "You... look odd.... and did you just tell me I scream like a girl?" He blinked, uncertain as to whether to be affronted by this slight against his new body. "You look like a girl. Why are you wearing a pink shirt?"

Spork blushed, he rather liked the clothing his alter had chosen to wear; he just wondered why his rear hurt so badly. He hadn't landed that hard... no this was more of an internal pain, almost like a probe. He shuddered. Did all human's asses hurt this bad?

He decided to leave that thought for later, when he was a little bit more coherent.  Instead, he looked around to see what bodies his comrades had transferred into.

Spiffiness was a boy about his age with mussed brown hair and penetrating blue eyes.  The one he thought was Heeaveng had long blond hair and some of the most frightening eyebrows he ever seen.  He shivered and looked towards the last member of their party.  Spork screeched.  "Louvre!  What happened to you?"

The dirty blond girl turned toward him confused.  "What are you talking about?"

She scratched on butt cheek, her way of comforting herself and glanced down at the clothing she wore... it was very... pink. Not just pink... but a shade would have put Pepto-Bismol to shame. She picked up the tail end of her hair and stared at it, eyes widening in horror. "It's... BLONDE!!! And not even a pretty blonde!" She sniffled, watery tears clouding her eyes. "The HORROR!"

"Relena? Why are you crying?" A newcomer stared at them in open curiosity. "I thought you'd come to terms with the fact that Heero and I were a couple." The boy, with the largest violet eyes Louvre had ever seen on any living thing moved closer to the captain, wrapping a long braid of brown hair around his waist and pulling him in for a kiss.

Spiffiness shrieked.  Spork rubbed his abused ears; this was becoming quite a common occurrence on this planet.  Still, this was an odd planet; Spork thought as he idly watched his captain struggled violently against the very confused braided boy.

"What's wrong Hee-chan?  Are you sick or something?"

Spiffiness nodded weakly, grateful for any excuse to get away.  "Uh, yea.  I don't want you to get sick too."

The boy's violet eyes widened in delight and Spork swore that he could see stars in them.  Spiffiness squeaked when the boy glomped him without remorse, effectively incapacitating the evil captain.  "Aww Hee-chan that's so sweet!  I don't mind sharing germs with you!"  Spiffiness shot a horrified look at his second in command.

"Spork!  A little help here!"

Spork took a step back; startled when he felt a pair of arms go around his waist from behind, then a low voice purring in his ear. "I've got you right where I want you."

Spork struggled instinctively against the grasp, surprised when he was turned around to see a taller boy. His face was mostly obscured by a mass of reddish-brown hair; one emerald eye peeked out, staring at him in confusion. "Quatre, why are you struggling? Is something wrong?"

Spork froze. Surely there was something wrong with this planet. Did men pair off as a normal course of action? He blinked, then forced a smile. "No. I'm fine. I... uh... He has an illness." He pointed over his shoulder to where his captain stood, barely standing under the weight of his braided burden. "I have it too. It's a... very bad illness. I don't want to get you sick too. See... it's a bad... very bad... sickness." He finished lamely.

The one holding Spork looked concerned.  "What kind of illness Little One?"

Spork stiffened, "Uh, a very … bad … illness.  Very contagious, you should let go of me before you catch it too."  The other boy frowned but did not comply.

"We should get you to bed, Quatre," he said and began leading an unwilling Spork away.  When the braided one noticed where they were going, he grinned and began dragging Spiffiness along.

"Yup Heero!  We'll get you fixed up right, you'll see. You'll be better in no time."  Spiffiness groaned.  Both 'boys' shot pleading looks at their female counterparts.  They shrugged with looks of horror on their faces, indicating that there was nothing they could do.

"Onnas!"  Came a sudden yell from behind them.  Both women jumped.  "What are you doing here?"

Heeaveng frowned; a feat which when weighted down by the sheer bulk of those eyebrows was no easy task. "We're here on a standard mission, to take over the world."

The boy who'd shouted so loudly stopped short. "Onna, are you ill? What nonsense. I am not in the mood to be toyed with." Heeaveng glanced to Louvre who was busy scratching the area between her thighs now. Uh oh, the other female emoticon usually only did that when scratching her ass failed to soother her. Perhaps they should have left her on the ship for this mission.

"Oi, Wufei. Quatre and Hee-chan are both sick, maybe Dorothy is too. And Relena..." The braided boy paused in his trek towards the house that loomed just yards away, the red-faced captain limp and compliant in his arms. "Why are you... never mind."

Wufei sighed at the braided baka's antics, silently thanking the gods that he wasn't Heero.  Turning back to the two women he growled, "I'll ask you one more time … What are you doing here?"

Relena threw up her hands in exasperation, "Heeaveng just told you.  We're here to take over this planet."

'Heeaveng?' Wufei thought to himself.  'They must be sicker than I thought.'


End file.
